After the pre-season two month training period the squad should, in theory, be fit, tactically aware and going to Majorca with form behind them. The objective was to always hit the floor running. Some people have been performing better than others but there is no more point scoring now as all the statistics have been collated, analysed and are ready for presentation.

The seeds shall run this time in ascending order with the cream of the crop at the top of the list and the disableds tailing off the group.

Seed Number Ten: Fister. Oh dear. The worm has turned. Fister has picked up an injury and subsequently his form has came to as big a halt as it had done for Marc Vivien-Foe. From his early monthly form where women were draping of his arm he has reached the stagnant quagmire that is technically termed as 'having a bird'. It's by no means the best preperation but maybe, just maybe, he may be inspired into some form during the seven sensual days.

Seed Number Nine: Shakey. What is it with this player? Does he repel women? No. Is he a minging bloke? Absolutely not (probably in the top 10% looking men in Cheltenham!). Does he have a fascination for wearing really bad clothes and adorning appalling superdrug homebrand aftershave? Mmmmm No! We can only assume he is taking the rattle snake approach whereby he lies dormant, takes in the solar rays to build up energy and when required to attack he is like a coiled spring bouncing into action. Undoubtedly the Jason Roberts of the group - probably worth Ten Million if only he would convert his chances.

Seed Number Eight: Raymond Review. Despite habing teddy bear features and looking like Mo Mowlam when hammered he manages to steal eigth seed away from Captain Shakey. Had a very good early season run of form that just keep him above the relegation zone. The uniform is somewhat unprdictable so whether we see a Gucci or a Giorgio, the form in the clubs is anyone's guess.

Seed Number Seven: Smaegol. If the seeds are based on form and fitness then obviously points are lost for this candidate. Can pass and move but converting chances is a big problem when carrying an injury and only occasionaly getting into the positions to score. Has the looks, the moves and the gab but it was this combination that inevitably led to the injury. Can score spectacularly so look for chances outside of the box to make an impression.

Seed Number Six: Ethel. In the beginning there was man and where there's man there's always a chance for guy gapers eh ethel? Rumours of Ethel 'going for a fag' have obviously obstructed his progress back up the charts after an incredulous start to the season. Wins many points on versatility and has shown to always pick up victories in relegation battles if the stinkers of recent weeks are anything to go by. Is pro-Euro and also Pro-Jap, Pro-Dover and Pro-Stinker so he obviously is the dark horse in the group. Will he react to the low seeding place?

Seed Number Five: Jimbo. Consistancy is the key however the key factor of consistency to Jimbo is that the birds have to contain the 'Gloucestershire Gene' in order to win any merit. In a different environment the conditions are very different. Demographically speaking Majorca will be full of Northern Pikes and so the Gloucestershire Pikes will be vastly out-numbered. If Jimbo can't find the Glos pikeys can he pull? We wait with baited breath! One thing that does go to Jimbo's advantage is previous form in the teen and pre-teen market undoubtedly full to bursting point now the A-Levels, GCSEs and Childrens homes have finished for the season.

Seed Number Four: GuyGas. Although carrying an injury that can be shaken off it is expected GuyGas will take the magic spojnge with him to Majorca and cure the injury. Similar to Branko Strupar in that he is injured most of the time but when fit he will make an immidiate impact on the proceedings. Definately a six-yard box player but this should add to his favour as Majorcan football is famous for its 18-yard Medleys and Dense Mixers.

Seed Number Three: Top Gun. He has alwyas been there around the top of the rankings but in this closely fought contest he just slips having not scored in the last days of pre-season. His form has been exemplary making ground in terms of quantity, quality, celebrity and gender. It's a closely fought contest but something has to give.

Seed Number Two: Big Shot. It has been very progressive all the way and finally Big Shot has managed to secure the second position in the charts. Has a very good scoring ratio and confidence of pulling as he accepts a number of pikes to meet his targets. Is very adaptable to different nationalities even though most of them are quite ill and pikey. Should go down a treat in Magaluf.

Seed Number One: Battered. He doesn't care how they react as long as his tongues in the right place and the panties are cominbg off. May not be the most gifted talker in the world but who needs to be in a club that is puumping with music and oozing at the sides with teens just gasping for cock. A very unique dance style although it works so I guess he should stick to the present tried and trusted formula. Has, on previous occasions, threatened to spike his hair. A bit of an ill idea but If he wants to show the teens that he is a crazy guy then by all means show them that you are a crazy mother.

The seeds are here to stick and I'm sure that there has been many controversal points that many will argue. But do I care??? At the end of the day the form guide, the stats and the present confidence  speaks for themselve and if you disagree then it is up for you to prove me wrong. I doubt it though.

The points system. This is the 21st century and therefore birds should in theory be trewated as equal. However, that is so not the case. Minging Birds do count but fit birds score an overwhelmingly larger sum of points. Teens get special bonus points as do vets. The intensity of action is also crucial. If you managed to get down to the natural rhythms of our labido then obviously points are scored for every hole that is explored and, in Ethels case, every gaper that is produced! Old hat doesn't score nor do visiting any birds whilst on tour. But essentially quantity will rule over quality and I want to see minging birds given a treat.