Seedings

Its Christmas time, and there's no need to be afraid...well if you are a teen you better be running because it is almost certain that you'll be caught and then tackled. To say your innocence will be stolen and destroyed on the 6th will be a massive understatement.

It has been a long time since a Seedings update and again there are movers, shakers and the odd consistent player. At the time of the release of this new information this is as accurate as possible and if any hero's beg to differ I have one world for you: dillusion! WAG members, know your place.

1 Fister

It was reviewed this week whether his name should be changed to top gear in reference to Fisters new MG convertible or Audi TT. We cannot wait to see him roll up in it. Anyway by plotting the frequency of pulls over time (allegedly of course) it has been decided that Fister boys will be notching the top spot in time for Christmas. In fact it is very appropriate for Fister to be Xmas number one in the fact that Christmas is all about charity and it is decided, that as part of the WAG charity, we donate this title to him...albeit temporary. There has been a forecast this month that Fisters bountiful spell in the clubs may quickly recede as quick as his hairline. Oh dear. But congratulations on the number one.

2 Ethel

A horse!!! A Horse!!!! My Ethel is a horse!!!! As soon as it became public that Ethel is endowed and has a member like a baby's arm the dirty girls have flocked to get a piece of this man monster. The man monster has reciprocated and gave a bit back to the ladies of Cheltenham and beyond. Ethel has had success in Barcelona and Cheltenham recently and is a massive tip to rip the crown away from Fister boys.

3 Stubbert

Stubbsy has played the country Stubbert card in Cheltenham and has absolutely reaped the rewards. By pretending to be some kind of affectionate country boy, complete with Motty coat and gay scarf, he has attracted the pikes at a faster rate that the Argos Jewelry counter in the New Years Sales. His standards have fallen, and the value of pulls has dropped but still in this game a rotter holds just as much weight as a stunner.

4 Big Shot

Confidences breeds confidence and although he plays a lot of friendlies behind closed-doors we assume the stats are correct. Has recently got in international honours and deserves his place in the top half of the table. May have put a little weight on recently which just pushes his odds out but is a seasoned pro and won't let that effect them.

5 GuyGas

International honours + plus receipt of 'e-affection' gives this WAG member credence for a strong mid-table position. Is straight up with his intentions and this has massive effect on the conquests who fall in love with the confidence shown on a night. Is looking forward to conquering Oslo and as a trainee pharmacist, probably in Lloyd's pharmacy, he is sure to have as much lube and Johnny's as is necessary to aid the points scoring.

6 Jimbo

The Cov action man has performed very admirably in recent months comforting bereavements in the midlands whilst also aiding students to settle down. Red wine always acts as the catalyst to strong performances and will come in necessary over the XMAS period when the mulled wine is flowing faster that Roy Whitings cum in a primary school.

7 EIDER

Cometh the hour cometh the iceman and in winter it cannot be argued that the cold icy conditions should suit the Scandinavian. Has collected points from the established pipeline and is like a greyhound in a trap ready to take advantage of the small girls in mittens singing carols around the Christmas tree. Has already booked a place in Santa's grotto ready to donate special gifts to the young.

8 Jaloppi

Returned from the International fixture with a new perspective in porn and tackling. Why constrain yourself to boring women when dogs, male, female or BI, are all fair game. Bestiality, although untried, should always remain an option in times of drought. Has a poor record in Cheltenham although performances elsewhere in the country could make this member a good outside bet.

9 Top Gun

What a tosser!!!! Indeed, for the record of tossing in terms of daily rate and geographical distribution top gun wins hands down. However, when it comes to scoring goals there just doesn't seem to be the right ingredients to notch. I think that this is all down to a lack of hormones before a night out as during daytime they have all been wanked out. Well ill. However should time be frequented then there is hope of a challenge for the title.

10 Smaegol

His hero is Jacko and since his ruthless dumping the confidence has been oozed out of this young, black well-hung paedophile. Jacko gave him inspiration; with his music, dancing and molesting tips but since his arrest Smaegol has been gutted. No Wacko-Jacko, no confidence and therefore no conquests. Destined to finish in the bottom half.

11 Battered

Oh dear, girlfriend is psycho, hangs around with fags and he expects to still finish in the top half of the table? Doubt it. Needs to ditch the bird and start easing the fat in as point's means prizes. He may surprise the WAG squad although this all depends whether he ditches the teen. Come on Battered, you know it makes sense!

12 Shakes.